Kemi’s Lethal Support Will Split Government and Labour Party – Guido Fawkes

Today’s PMQs sketch is inspired by real events. Some characters and dialogue have been added for dramatic purposes.

Opposition leader Kemi Badenoch finally got into her stride this afternoon. Demonstrating agility, guile and a strategic sense beyond her years, she put a series of questions to the Prime Minister that will detonate like time bombs under all small-majority, vulnerable backbenchers over the weekend.

Diane Abbott, Conscience of the House, warned the PM against using the language of morality to justify the £5 billion reduction in the welfare bill, “balancing the books on the backs of the most vulnerable”. 

However, Sir Keir gently rejected her counsel and reaffirmed his moral mission, to bring a million young people off benefits and into productive work. “All the evidence suggests that at that stage of life, someone on benefits is going to find it incredibly difficult to get out of that level of dependency”.

Kemi rose, in an attitude of deadly friendliness. She said:

Q1: Mr Speaker. The Prime Minister’s plan to reduce the Welfare bill has run into difficulties with blockers and wreckers on his backbenches. I want to give him an absolute assurance of support from this side of the House. May I begin by saying in a spirit of cooperation and shared British values, that we will support him in every way we can, to push his proposals through into law. (Appalled silence from Labour backbenches)

PM: Er … I suggest the hon. Lady minds her own business. We are perfectly capable of running our own programme restoring the stability to the economy after 14 years of the Tories wrecking everything. (Thunderous Labour cheers)

Q2: I understand the need to make these partisan points. But putting country before party, we entirely agree that the reforms he is proposing are based in a moral argument, one of self-reliance, and personal aspiration, and the desire to get on in life and do better. But many of his backbenchers – mostly sitting over there – with some over there – believe living on benefits should be a lifestyle choice. As we Conservatives believe very deeply in the Government’s welfare proposals, you can rely on the Conservative party to support you to the hilt in this matter. (Labour hissing)

PM: These are not shameful Tory cuts based on a hatred of working people, these are Labour reforms based on recognising the worth and dignity of everyone, and after 14 wasted years, the value of labour. (Some ragged Labour cheers)

Q3: I can see what’s going on behind the Prime Minister perhaps a little more clearly than he can. Do we agree there are 70 to 80 Labour MPs either with small majorities or an ideological commitment to taxing Middle England to buy BMWs for people living with anxiety? Now, those backbenchers will be going back to their constituencies this weekend to face the wrath of their General Committees and be threatened with deselection. Your Chief Whip will, in the way of Labour Chief Whips tell them he can ‘Make them want to be dead’ but as they are faced with a choice of rebelling on a matter of principle and losing their seat – the Government may well find itself short of a majority for its Spending Review. Conservative support in the voting lobby, with you, will ensure your proposals get through. (Labour booing. Some vomiting)

PM: I’ll take no lectures, thank you. If you lot hadn’t trashed the economy we wouldn’t have a £22 billion black hole to fill, with you barking at the sidelines while we secure the economy. Twenty two billion! (Synchronised spitting across the table from Labour’s PPS bench)

Q4: Now, now. The public finances are more important than that. The Hon member for Foyle, made an affecting case referencing a disabled constituent whose children have to cut up her food, and wash her below the waist, and supervise her toileting – and now she will receive no benefits at all. There will be these anomalies which we are happy to work through with the Government. He said he expected this sort of policy from us on this side of the House but he asked, ‘What is the point of Labour if they’re going to do it, too?’ I witnessed a collective shiver running across those benches, as he asked that question. What is the point of Labour if they’re going to do what we Conservatives wanted to do? Yes, there is nodding. There is agreement. Which is why we will march into the division lobbies with the Prime Minister to get this correct and courageous policy through. (Labour screaming: Stop saying that! She keeps saying it, make her stop it!)

PM: They’ve got no policies so, they’re borrowing ours! They did nothing about welfare for 14 years, so now we have to. No regrets, they’ve learned nothing. They’re useless! You’re useless! And stupid. Useless, stupid and really, totally useless. (Fifty Labour backbenchers howling: Do something! Don’t just say things, throw them!)

Q5: We should have done more, I agree. And we are going to put that right by helping you do it now. With our support you’ll be able to do what you really want to do which is reduce the welfare bill not by £5 billion in four years but by £50 billion over the next 18 months. 

PM: Shut up! Just shut up! (In unprecedented scenes, collective walkout from Labour’s Corbynites, Pro-Palestinian ultras, climate change fundamentalists, anti-slavery extremists, Sharia law sympathisers, Puberty Blocking proponents, Eat the Rich enthusiasts, Laffer Curve deniers, Vegan militants and Free-bleeding feminists. Chief Whip makes them want to be dead, but that’s better than feeling what they feel about Tories in their division lobby).

The end. Credits. 

Reviews include: “Nothing like the original.” 

“Obviously watched a different PMQs to the one I saw.”

“Why do writers think they have the right to misrepresent actual historical facts with some fantasy that bears no relation to reality?”