Andrew Gimson’s PMQs sketch: Captain Starmer says hitting the rock is Badenoch’s fault

If Sir Keir Starmer were ever to find himself the captain of a ship which has struck a rock and is swiftly sinking beneath the waves, he will call the passengers and crew together and tell them: “We’ve been preparing for all eventualities.

“We will take a calm, pragmatic approach. We have prepared for all eventualities.”

Alert readers will note his repetition of the phrase about preparing for all eventualities. This is deliberate. It is part of Captain Starmer’s watertight media strategy, which is to repeat a small number of safe phrases.

The above phrases were intoned by him at the start of Prime Minister’s Questions, when he wished to reassure the House that he is ready for Donald Trump’s announcement about tariffs later today.

Kemi Badenoch asked about Labour’s jobs tax. Captain Starmer reached into the anthology of safe phrases: “We’re clearing up the mess that they left… We’re rolling up our sleeves.”

His sleeves were not actually rolled up, but these phrases should not be taken literally.

“She turns up every week to carp from the sidelines,” he added in an aggrieved tone. Wherever Captain Starmer is carping from, it is not the sidelines.

He has studied Conservative policy over the last 14 years, and has established that they are to blame for the ship hitting the rock. The buck stops with Badenoch. This point he makes each week in considerable detail.

Badenoch wondered what he is doing to protect the British car industry. Captain Starmer reached into his anthology: “We’re taking a calm pragmatic approach and keeping our feet on the ground.”

Sir Ed Davey, for the Liberal Democrats, suggested Britain should join “an economic coalition of the willing against Trump’s tariffs”.

Captain Starmer was appalled: “Every week he tries to tempt me to make what I think is a false choice between our relationship with the US and our relationship with other countries particularly Europe.”

As long as Captain Starmer is on the bridge he will remain calm and not allow himself to be tempted by Davey into making a false choice.

Just in case anyone wonders what course this means he will steer, he added that “our interests are best served by calmly trying to secure a deal which is in our national interest”.

But to avoid any risk that he might find himself pinned down by this assurance, he added the rider, “whilst at the same time preparing and leaving all options on the table”.

That is good to know, but the last time we looked at Starmer’s table there seemed to be nothing whatever on it.

“We need to be calm and pragmatic,” he added a few moments later.

Ayoub Khan (Birmingham Perry Barr, Independent) protested at the mountain of rubbish piling up in Birmingham. Labour MPs did not like this.

Nor did Captain Starmer: “Well I’ve said the situation in Birmingham is completely unacceptable,” he bridled. He did not, however, say it was all Badenoch’s fault. For once his anthology had provided no answer.