Andrew Gimson’s Commons sketch: Starmer the supreme expert allows himself to smile

“Yes, but not in the South.” By interjecting this simple phrase it is possible for any of us, no matter how ignorant of the topic under discussion, to break the flow of the expert who is dominating the conversation.

But alas, no member of the Liaison Committee had prepared for their session with the Prime Minister by reading Chapter Four of Lifemanship, by Stephen Potter, in which he outlines a number of ways in which to derail the bore who is asserting his supremacy by demonstrating he knows more about the subject than anyone else.

Sir Keir Starmer relaxed. Soon he allowed himself an occasional smile. He was received by the committee as the supreme expert who knows, or purports to know, more than they can ever hope to know.

After all, the PM knows, or purports to know, what the Government intends to do. The members of the Liaison Committee, who chair the various Select Committees which scrutinise the work of Government, may know what they think the Government ought to do, but this was nothing like enough for them to gain an edge over their witness, for Starmer is also a world expert on what the Government ought to do.

Meg Hillier, who chairs the Liaison Committee and the Treasury Select Committee, put it to him that “growth is obviously your Government’s primary objective” and wondered whether, “in the light of the introduction of tariffs”, he is “looking at revising” his economic plans?

Starmer went effortlessly into expert mode. He remarked that “what’s happened is obviously very challenging for us”, and it is “very disappointing to see tariffs in place”.

“Yes, but not in the South,” Hillier could at this point have interjected. Instead she listened to the PM as he said “one shouldn’t jump in with both feet to retaliate”, but should recognise that this is “not a temporary passing phase”, and not “so much change as turbocharge…”

What was it we should not so much change as turbocharge? Could it be that at least one member of his audience was already asleep|? In vain we had prepared ourselves with a light and sober lunch followed by strong coffee. Starmer’s expertship made it virtually impossible to keep awake.

“We’ve absolutely got to grip this,” he was saying of the steel industry as we awoke. Quite so. And while we’re gripping it, let’s turbocharge it.

Sir Geoffrey Clifton-Brown, who chairs the Public Accounts Committee, is one of the few remaining MPs with the plummy voice of an old-fashioned toff. He therefore asked about AI. The PM said AI “releases individuals to be more human”, and is “a gamechanger if we get it right”, but “there are huge opportunities and risks and we need to marry the two”.

“Dignity”, Starmer added, is “probably the most important word in my dictionary”. Let the lexicographers take note. When they publish the first Dictionary of Starmerese, they must find some way to indicate this.

“I don’t mind supervised tooth-brushing, I’m afraid,” Starmer added. By now he had the Liaison Committee at his mercy, “Obviously there’s a lot of optionality at the moment,” he went on some minutes later, but by this stage we are pretty sure he was not talking about tooth-brushing.