The Spring Statement That Makes You Think The Americans Are Right About Us – Guido Fawkes

The recitative of rubbish the Prime Minister gives us when he’s like this. You need an element of cruelty in your nature to enjoy it, but it’s hard not to laugh when he says, “today’s spring statement will showcase a Government going further and faster on the economy”. 

His voice changes register from alto to castrato. The chattering castanets of his staccato delivery rattle off a list of ever greater public spending promises but you can see that  he’s making half of it up and twisting the other half out of recognition.

On his X-feed, Nick Timothy posted a list of 25 falsehoods the PM uttered in his previous 30 minutes at the despatch box, some of which were repeated today. The peak of Tory inflation was half that the PM claimed. The Black Hole has been disavowed by the sainted OBR. Liz Truss blipped interest rates which are now higher and staying that way. 

The fact that Labour has managed to establish their economic narrative is a sad commentary on the Tory leadership.

Had Kemi any feel for these things, it might have been different today. 

She went on education, to keep off Mel Stride’s patch. She asked why Labour MPs had voted against banning phones in schools last week. 

The PM said that such a measure was unnecessary because “almost every school bans phones”.

So, she asked, why is the Government reviewing the matter? And don’t headteachers who ban phones get better results? And did he not know – and here came a frisson of excitement – that only one school in 10 are smartphone free?

What an opportunity for a forensic prosecution of the facts. For a final flensing of Sir Keir, laying bare his humiliating ignorance.

It was time for, “if you believe that the vast majority of schools are phone free you are operating under a massive misapprehension. It is one in 10. As the facts have changed, will you change, too?”

He would have blustered. She would have put aside her scripted questions and returned three times to his error of fact. And with brevity, so he didn’t have time to think about it. “Are you really saying that you thought the vast majority of schools were phone free, but that  the real figure is only one in 10?” And then, in a dazzling coup de Commons theatre, sitting down.

She didn’t, of course, the silly goose. She ended up asking, “can he guarantee that no teacher will lose their job as a result of his jobs tax?” It’s not a question that deserves an answer, nor a question that a Tory ought to be asking.

Mel Stride has the corpulent look of an effective class bully, and none the worse for that. Robert Jenrick on his left looked at him in an impassive, Mt Rushmore attitude presenting  his audience with the question: is Jenrick prime ministerial timber?

There will be more than one answer to that.

Angela Rayner, opposite him, has acquired a distinctly Medici look – watchful, waiting with lazing, snaky grace. She flicked the inside of her eyelid – once, twice, three times – with the back of a fingernail. It had something of “these tiny fools”. She feels her time is coming.

The rest of the front bench clearly felt the most truthful line in the Chancellor’s statement was “the world is changing before our eyes”. From their collective attitude, they were planning their retirement eulogies for her leaving party. “I am impatient for change!” she declared. “Not as impatient as us,” they muttered, Rayner, Streeting, Phillipson, Miliband, Darren Jones. 

The first female Chancellor is also the most egocentric. In her statement, she used the word Me 39 times and I 60 times. 

When nervous, she becomes the vocal opposite of her leader. He goes Queen of the Night and she goes Tugboat Annie. 

The things she says are beyond satire. 

“The British people knew that I would never take risks with our public finances.”

“I will always deliver economic stability.”

“I can confirm that I have restored in full our headroom to a surplus of £9.9 billion in 2029.”

Best of all, when the OBR halved its growth forecast, she boomed, “I am not satisfied with these numbers!”

It was hard to say what her statement meant. What was all that Government chatter about cuts, over the last period? Rachel said spending was increasing by more than 1% above inflation every year. Isn’t borrowing headed for record levels? How will productivity increase with so many more low-skilled immigrants flocking the beaches? Will reducing the civil service by 15% really make a difference to the public finances? 

Stride was twice as good as Kemi at asserting a different economic narrative, so there’s a long way still to go. 

All we know from the way things happen in Britain, is that after the Reeves revolution, the Government will be going further and faster on the economy until it’s gravel for breakfast, migrants in the Ritz and a nine-hole golf course in the garden of Buckingham Palace for our de facto President.